YTFC Forum

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

A guy out on the golf course took a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said, "How bad is it doc?..... I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way."

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl, married her, and went on their
honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, she ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately dropped his pants and replied,.............................. "Look at this,……………. still in the CRATE!"

gloverlover · Joined: 31 Jan 2006 Posts: 29

lol gd 1

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

Two Chelsea fans jump off a cliff. Which one hits the ground first?

Who cares.

Somertonian · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 145

A bear a lion and a chicken gather round the camp fire for a chat

The bear says, “I walk through the woods and the forests and when I growl the whole area quivers”

The lion says, “That’s nothing, I prowl the savannah and the whole place runs for cover when I roar”
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“Huh” says the chicken, “I only have to cough and the whole world s**ts itself!

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Yeovil fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.

The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt" But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Yeovil fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your town has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your town and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Yeovil fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Scouser to my back."

Hoof It! · Joined: 09 Jan 2006 Posts: 13

Newcastle chairman Freddie Shepherd drives in to his local Tesco carpark,
gets out his car and heads for the store. A woman fully laden with shopping is coming out the adjoining store exit when she drops 3 bags. Freddie runs up to her and says 'Can you manage,love? She replies 'I don't want the bloody job either!!'

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Flu and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher." Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"

Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says: in a broad Irish accent, "Our
next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and me Da says: "it will take the contagious".

(My wife is from Dublin and did not find this one funny :roll: )

Somertonian · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 145

Paddy applied for a job at the local Blacksmiths'.

At the interview the boss asked if he'd ever shoe'd a horse before.

Paddy replied "No, but I told a donkey to Feck off once."

Q. How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A. Stick in the microwave until its Bill Withers

:)

S

Somertonian · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 145

Talking of ducks, UK's first case of bird flu. Click here for more info.

Hoof It! · Joined: 09 Jan 2006 Posts: 13

What is the connection between a crab and a Pakistani who has been run over by a steam roller? They're both Crustaceans!!

A white horse walks into a bar and orders a pint of bitter. The barman says 'I've got a whisky named after you' and the horse replies 'What, Jim?'

A pharmacy was broken into last night and the thieves stole everything but hair oil and condoms. Police are said to be looking for a gang of bald-headed Catholics.

All the toilet seats were stolen from Yeovil Police Station earlier today. A police spokesman said 'We have absolutely nothing to go on'.
:D :D :D :D

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

Bad news for the Arsenal, Emirates have pulled out from the Ashburton Grove deal but it is OK because OXO stepped in.

The new ground will be called the laughing stock stadium.

ABC · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 111

THE MIGHT OF THE IRISH(no offence all you guys!!)
Paddy was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. Paddy politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The English man snapped his gum and said, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?" Paddy frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge bubble.
"We don't.
In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland."
The Englishman had a smirk on his face. Paddy listened in silence.
The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, Paddy replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."
Paddy then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do." Paddy leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was Paddy's turn to smile. "We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to England. " Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?!!!"

ABC · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 111

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.

"Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

"What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman.

"Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!"

"No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?"

"Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

A honeymooning couple purchased a talking parrot on their vacation and took it to their room, but the bridegroom became annoyed with the bird when it kept up a running commentary on his lovemaking skills.
Eventually, he threw a towel over the cage and said: "If you don't keep your beak shut, I'm gonna give you to the fricking ZOO tomorrow!"
For the rest of the night, the parrot kept silent.
Early the next morning, while packing to return home, the couple were having trouble closing a large suitcase.
"You get on top and I'll try," the groom instructed his bride. But that didn't work.
The bride figured they must need more weight on top of the suitcase to shut it. "Darling," she said, "YOU get on top and I'll try." Still no success.
Finally the annoyed groom said, "Look, let's both get on top."
At that point the parrot used his beak to pull the towel off the cage and said: "Zoo or no zoo, I just have to see this!"

jevo is a ledgo · Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 125

macphisto";p="3553 wrote: › docWrite("quote")ABC";p="3547 wrote: › docWrite("quote")
Sorry had to say Yeovil for this one:

A source inside Camelot, the lottery people, has revealed that a man from Yeovil was a recent winner in the nation's favourite weekly gamble. The lucky chap was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Yeovil. "If my three numbers come up and win me a tenner again," he added, "I'll gladly buy them another!"

That may be closer to the truth than we'd like to think. :(

we dont exactly offer £10 for a player though do we. thats just stupid.

YTFCROX · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 28

why did humpty dumpty push his wife off the wall
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because he wanted to see her crack!
lol