YTFC Forum

ABC · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 111

As there are jokes placed on several different posts, how about we have one long post and everyone can put their jokes here. Makes it easier to find them all.

darren · Joined: 28 Dec 2005 Posts: 334 Location: Yeovil, Somerset

Ok, I'll start.

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the Juggler!

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

Did you hear that the Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

They had photos of Manchester United players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

Ok where is the joke then? :roll:

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

You're not a closet Man Utd fan are you?

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

macphisto";p="3484 wrote: › docWrite("quote")
You're not a closet Man Utd fan are you?

Oh no!!!!! I had the page open with only ABC's 1st post and by the time I got around to posting where is the joke you twp had jumped in between it! Doh! :oops:

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

OK.

How many Man United fans does it take to pave a driveway?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

Young son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”

Dad: “ That happens in every country, son”.

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

How many Man Utd fans does it take to stop a moving bus?

Not enough unfortunately.

jevo is a ledgo · Joined: 01 Feb 2006 Posts: 125

macphisto";p="3480 wrote: › docWrite("quote")Did you hear that the Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?

They had photos of Manchester United players on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

ive heard that

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

Oooh, sorry.

How about this one.

David Beckham has gone crazy thinking that Posh has been having an affair. In a manic rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Ruud Van Nistelroy. Devastated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneath the covers...."I'm sorry and I know we can work this out." "Shut up Victoria." Beckham replies. "You're next."

bowerboy · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 619

Tony Blair started jogging near his home in Chequers.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"Fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the kerb.

"No! Five pounds!" Tony would fire back.

This ritual between Tony and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "five pounds!"

One day, Cherie decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Tony realized she'd bark her £50 offer and Cherie would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Tony
became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the
hooker. Tony tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the pavement, the hooker yelled,

"See what you get for five quid?!"

ABC · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 111

Sorry about the choice of clubs for these if you support one of them.

What do you if you see a Weymuff Fan with 6 bullets in his head?
Stop Laughing and reload

What do you do if you run over a Brizzle Shitty fan?
Reverse

Why don¿t you drive 5 United fans off a cliff in a car?
Because you can get 50 in a bus

Why do cars in Liverpool have small steering wheels?
So you can drive with handcuffs on

What do you say to a Arsenal Fan with a job?
Big Mac please

What do you throw a drowning Chelski fan?
His wife and kids

How do you stop a Watford fan drowning?
Take your foot of his head.

What is the difference between a man with no tongue and a Tottenham fan?
The man with no tongue has better taste

Story Jokes:

A Bristol Rovers player is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the children, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" One boy stands up and says, "an aeroplane blows up, killing all the passengers." No, says Agogo, that would be a great loss... A girl stands up and says, "a bus plows into a car, killing the occupants." No, Agogo says, shaking his head, "that would be an accident... What, can no-one give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, a little boy stands up and says "a plane carrying a Bristol Rovers player explodes." "Yes, and can you tell us why?" "Well, says the boy, it wouldn't be an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Stevenage Borough fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Borough fan." The reporter starts again: "Barnet fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Barnet fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Watford," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Hornet b*****d kills family pet"

A man is watching MK Dons from his usual seat but for some reason sat next to him this week is a man with a dog. MK are playing really badly on this particular day but every time they get possession the dog starts to bark with encouragement. In the 85th minute they get their first corner of the game and the dog goes absolutely mental. "Why does your dog do that?" asks the first man. "I don't know, he's a Dons fan, it's just what he's like" replies the owner. "So what does he do when they score?" he asks. "Well I don't really know, I've only had him a year....."

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Sunderland are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says, "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

The Fire brigade phones Gary Johnson in the early hours of Sunday morning... "Mr Johnson sir, Ashton Gate is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Johnson. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

Apparently, Alex Ferguson offered to send the Man Utd squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

A Bristol City scout returns from Bosnia raving about a new teenage superstar he's seen in the war torn country. Gary Johnson is convinced and is so desperate for no one else to snatch him up that he signs the boy without looking at him for himself. The boy arrives in Bristol for Saturday's game, and is on the bench. With ten minutes to go Junior Agogo gets injured and is stretchered off. Johnson points to the new Bosnian boy: "This is your big chance, son. Go out there and do the business for us." The lad strips off his shell suit and takes to the pitch. In those dying minutes he's a revelation, scoring a hat-trick. The crowd goes mad. After the game Johnson gives the new boy a big hug in the changing room. "Great performance son. Go and give your parents a ring at home. They'll be so proud of you. You can use the phone in my office". The lad goes into the boss's office and rings his mum. "Mum, I've just had the best debut; I scored a hat-trick!...you don't sound very happy though; why are you crying? Is everything okay?" "No, son, today has been the worst yet. Your dad has been shot, they've raped your sister, and the house has been burnt to the ground." "God, mum, that's terrible; I'm really sorry" "So you should be. It was your idea for all of us to move to Bristol."

Sorry had to say Yeovil for this one:

A source inside Camelot, the lottery people, has revealed that a man from Yeovil was a recent winner in the nation's favourite weekly gamble. The lucky chap was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Yeovil. "If my three numbers come up and win me a tenner again," he added, "I'll gladly buy them another!"

Four surgeons are having a coffee break. The first one says "I like operating on accountants best because everything inside is numbered." The second one says "Nah, I like librarians. Everything inside them is always in alphabetical order." Third one says "Electricians, they're the best. Everything in them is colour coded." The fourth one says "I prefer Weymuff fans. They're gutless, heartless, spineless, and their heads and backsides are interchangeable."

A man goes into Heathrow Airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge waiting for his flight home to be called. All around him there are overturned tables, upturned chairs, smashed windows, flight monitors broken and crowd control barriers lying on the floor. "Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew. "Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless .... we had the Everton players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad."

macphisto · Joined: 08 Jan 2006 Posts: 440

ABC";p="3547 wrote: › docWrite("quote")
Sorry had to say Yeovil for this one:

A source inside Camelot, the lottery people, has revealed that a man from Yeovil was a recent winner in the nation's favourite weekly gamble. The lucky chap was delighted to announce that he had spent his winnings on a new player for his beloved Yeovil. "If my three numbers come up and win me a tenner again," he added, "I'll gladly buy them another!"

That may be closer to the truth than we'd like to think. :(